Yesterday I was thinking about situations where other people made very clear that they were the center of the(ir) world and I was a component of it (or not!) according solely to their judgment. I was not offered the chance to try out the sensation of being in the center of my life, with others being around me at various mental distances. I imagine that some of those people couldn’t even imagine not being the center (not only of their own life but of everyone else’s), and some others weren’t able to act differently, because they needed me to support their mental setup as a kind of stilt but not as a full person.
I’m not discussing the reasons and causes behind what happened, the point is not to find out if they were valid or even if they could have been changed; but there is little doubt that the consequences have been deep and long-lasting. I never imagined myself as the valid center of my own existence, even now it feels uncomfortable and risky. Later in life I kept putting one or more people in that center, which worked quite well until I had to act as if I were in my own center (stating needs, drawing boundaries, distancing myself, rely on myself as an independent human). Removing others from that center always emptied me completely and made me crash to a level below survival, even when I left unhealthy/unsustainable situations.
There is a tangent connection with the pilot post from a while ago: not about tasks or skills, but about role swap. Recently I could practice (at first, implicitly) role swapping around leadership, motivation, focus, self-care, responsibility, in a way that made it a true practice environment. I was sure that if I failed, the other person would be perfectly able to pick up the task, as in the case of equivalently skilled pilots. It is no practice if there are consequences of my errors while I learn: that would be a production environment. The true practice took away that pressure to succeed, but didn’t remove the importance of the action! This is crucial for me, because it is about *redundancy on an important task*.
There are many more thoughts and implications around this, but for a self-contained post, this is it 🙂