These days I have been thinking about what it means for me to say “I love you”. I realised I have said it very seldom, even to the people I loved – I found it very difficult to say. Until recently, I vaguely thought that such a sentence should not be said lightly, so I always went for alternative formulations:
With the passing of time, I have been able to articulate my thoughts in more detail, and I realised yesterday that “I love you” would be too compact, too vague, and could imply things that I don’t mean, but that the other person automatically includes in the idea of love. Therefore I would rather say:
- I love your attention towards me
- I love your joy when you receive a present, when you get good news
- I love your respect for yourself and for others
- I love that you don’t compare me to a standard, so I feel free to act natural all the time
- I love how your presence calms me
- I love how little we have to talk in order to understand each other
- I love how we respect our silences and how they are meaningful to us
- I love how consent is fundamental for the both of us
- I love that we don’t feel obliged to walk up the relationship escalator
- etc …
… while I would not automatically mean:
- I want to live our lives together
- you are my only love, you will always be
- you are perfect
- I want to build a family with you
- etc …
There is an Italian song (Patrizia, by Eugenio Finardi – lyrics here) that is indeed a list like this one. It has been one of my very favourites since I first heard it, and now I am happy to have realised why.
My point is that I want to make clear what are the reasons of my attraction/love for the other person, instead of just saying that I (will always) love them, no matter how much they will change, and implying plans for the future that I already have removed from my list. So my current decision is to say “I love you” only after having specified what it means, therefore making it a safe summary. I really wish that it will keep misunderstandings away, especially in such a delicate and emotional matter.
aghisla draws 